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excerpts from "99 ways to drive your child sane" [Dec. 2nd, 2004|07:45 pm]

[My kid dictates my mood and right now it's... |blahblah]

i thought all the badmoms could use these for their badkids...

Get a magic wand (could be a duster, ruler, whatever you've got) and tap the child gently on his head throughout the day, turning him into various things, i.e. you're a frog, you're a footstool, you're a fountain [good for spitters!]. Use the items you trn him into to interact with him. He could be your footstool or jump to the kitchen like a frog.

This one is good for the child who likes to babble and chatter incessantly. Start watching the path of an imaginary fly going around the room. Watch it land somewhere, sneak up on it and swat it. If you can pull it off, sneak up, pretend to catch it and pop it in your mouth. Move your tongue around the inside of your cheek like the fly is trying to get out then let it loose and start over and/or turn to the child and say, "I'm sorry, were you saying something?"

A lot of kids have trouble asking the adult for what they need. Instead, they will come up and make a statement or complaint. This can be handled several fun ways: The child is supposed to carry his laundry basket to his room. He says, "This is heavy." Some of your responses could be: 1) You pick it up and overexaggerate how heavy it is, put it back down and say, "You're right. That IS heavy!" 2) You
pick up the basket which is really light and put it on your head or shoulders, turn around in a circle, and sing, "He's not heavy, he's my brother." 3) Say, "No, it's a laundry basket, not a heavy. A heavy is more of a greenish color and has five legs."

For a kid who likes to argue. Tell him you don't have time to argue right now, but you'll make it an appoinment. Write a day and time in your calendar and then keep the appointment. If he doesn't want to argue at the appointed time, argue that of course he wants to argue and you will immediately get an argumentative kid in an argument. Keep it short and end it with a cheerful, "Thanks for the argument,
let's do it again sometime."

Cut out little green footprints from paper and tape them to the floor in the kid's room while he's at school, or at night. Make it look like they walked over to things in the room and turned those things upside down. It's a leprechaun attack! My leprechauns usually hang candy on strings from the ceiling, too.

For a kid who always has to go to the bathroom as soon as you walk in a store and/or who does lots of holding himself and jumping around while announcing he has to go, yell out, "Everybody pee dance," and create your own pee dance. This can be lots of fun, especially in public places.

Stupid job practice: For a kid who complains that he doesn't want to do that "stupid" job. Tell him, "No, honey, that's not a stupid job, THIS is a stupid job." Then give a useless job like pulling strings out of a carpet square or dusting photo album pages or washing chain link fence or sweeping off landscaping rocks.

For kids that pee in their rooms-- Sprinkle peas around the room at night or while the child is gone. When the child is awake or home you discover the peas, get a bowl to collect them and show your delight over the child growing peas by peeing. "I knew this would happen someday! If you just peed enough, peas were sure to grow." Make sure you have peas (clean ones, please!) that night for dinner.

Tape newspaper over the doorframe of the child's room at night so when he gets up and opens the door there is a wall of newspaper to greet him.

For kids who are having trouble being their chronological age, give them chances throughout the day to be younger ages. "Go sweep the floor like a 3 year old would","Now, go sweep the floor like an 11 year old would." "Say that like a 2 year old would... now say it like a 10 year old would."

For mumblers, start swatting at the air around you, saying, "Help! Mumble bees are attacking, don't let them get me!" You can really exaggerate this and run away screeching and swatting.
Link2 Kicking and Screaming|Go On Time Out!

(no subject) [Nov. 19th, 2004|06:06 pm]

[My kid dictates my mood and right now it's... |bitchybitchy]

I fucking just lost it today. The squid was screamning and whining for about an hour straight, he stopped when I finally just put my hand over his mouth and yelled at him to shut the fuck up. I don't know how long I can take this for. EJ's crying in the car and he just won't shut his mouth. I do at least six loads of laundry a day, load and unload the fucking dishwasher, make the bed, clean the bathroom, chase after a three year old kid, feed and take care of a five day old, and cook and clean up dinner. Then I have to listen to Brandon fucking bitch about how fucking tired he is. My whole fucking body aches, but he doesn't even have the brains to take the fucking trash out for me. I have the headache from hell, I keep having to take Elisabeth into the doctors to check her billirubin levels, run to the post office, do the grocery shopping, handle all the Christmas cards, presents and birth announcements, and generally run all the errands. Nap while the baby naps? WTF?? How the hell can I do that when all I do is work? I'm so fucking tempted to just say fuck it all and go back to work full-time just so I don't have to deal with the kids or Brandon's high and fucking mighty "I've been working all day" attitude. I do just as much as he does. Not to mention that I keep having to FORCE food down my throat, I have NO fucking energy, and my boobs are bigger than my fucking head and hurt like fucking hell. And then he keeps making little comments about wanting sex. WHAT PART OF SIX WEEKS DO YOU NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND YOU GODDAMN DOUCHEBAG????
Right now Topher's zoned out on the couch watching TV (yeah... mother of the year award over here....) and Bette is still sitting in her carseat. I can't function anymore. I don't think it's PPD, but I can see it developing into it... Sorry for the long rambly rant... I just had to get it all out and couldn't do so in my own journal.

Love to you all, hope you're doing better than I.
Link10 Kicking and Screaming|Go On Time Out!

At home mom [Oct. 13th, 2004|09:57 am]

[My kid dictates my mood and right now it's... |confusedconfused]
[If I could hear over the shrieking, I'd be listening too... |cartoon music]

My son is sick today, so I came home to be with him. I am still working on the necessary reports, but why do I feel guilty that I am not at work? It really bothers me that I have allowed my morals to change like this. My son needs me. I don't like the fact that when I take a day off to look after my kids I get rude comments from my supervisor about what trouble kids can be, or "sick again? What is wrong with them?" when they have been sick twice (for maybe 1 full day each time) in 3 or 4 months. They hang out with other kids in school. Its easy to get bugs especially up here in the North. I just want to financially independent so I could be there for my kids.
Link1 Kicking and Screaming|Go On Time Out!

(no subject) [Sep. 2nd, 2004|03:30 am]

A mother's wish-list

I want to.....

-wake up on my own. No alarm, no child asking for breakfast.

-buy a box of sweet cereal, (honeycomb, pebbles, etc) and actually be able to eat a bowl of it.... no wait.... ALL of it.

-eat candy for breakfast, because I don't have to set an example.

-have Bailey's in my morning coffee

-Shower when I WANT one, and have first dibs on the hot water.

-find my shampoo and conditioner just as full as it was, the last time I used it; not find the bottle full of water.

-not have to use the damp towel, in an effort to cut down on the laundry.

-make it through ONE cup of hot coffee, while it's hot, and not have to nuke it 4 times, just to get to the bottome of the cup.

-skip lunch, because I'M not hungry

-go to the store, just to buy a mocha, without having to take the diaper bag, the stroller, the 5 extra blankets, the bottle, the soother, the diapers, the wipes, the rattles, the rain cover FOR the stroller, the barney book, an extra pair of pants for the 2 year old, just in case, the barney book, the barbie, the extra jackets.....

- survive ONE day, without a single chocolate cookie smear on my pants at toddler height, macaroni stuck between my toes, spit up on my shirt, or an embarassing wet circle of milk on my chest.

- eat sweet cereal for supper

-control the remote

-not injure my feet on lego, barbie shoes, or dinky cars

-make a fattening snack, guilt free, and not have to share, or make enough for everyone.

-find my linen closet the same way I left it, where no one has deemed it a perfect hide and go seek spot.... minus all the pesky towels and sheets.

-have a nap.

-not have to smell pee..... just for ONE day.
Link7 Kicking and Screaming|Go On Time Out!

first time posting, long time whatever... [Jul. 7th, 2004|02:03 pm]
[My kid dictates my mood and right now it's... |tiredtired]
[If I could hear over the shrieking, I'd be listening too... |some noise on the radio]

so, after taking the boy to work at 11pm last nite, i come home and want to go to sleep cuz i'm tired. but - like a dumbass, i had a 3 hour nap and couldn't sleep. didn't want to take a valium cuz i had to get up at the butt-crack of dawn to get him, so i wrestled with the sheets and sleep then the phone rang. lovely. it was the pleasanton police dept. telling me my daughter was at the ramada inn with her dumb-ass friend (they are both 17), the girl's friend, and some 36 yr. old man they met on the internet for the first time. great. not only that - they told him they were 18 (as if that mattered) and he bought them booze. yeah...so, my night went well...i don't know if mad is the word. frustration comes to mind...we have therapy this coming friday morning and god help her if she makes it that far...so, i grounded her for a week from the computer and 2 weeks in general...then she calls me at work and wants to know if her boyfriend can come over...i turned around to see who she was talking to, not like she could see me...
i'm tired now...
LinkGo On Time Out!

*Grrrrrr* [May. 29th, 2004|05:54 pm]

[My kid dictates my mood and right now it's... |crappycrappy]

My "Good momness" burnt out about 4 pm... I tried today, really hard.

The Tv died, which is good, but sucks at the same time.

Now I just want it to be 7:30 so he'll stop whining and i can put him in bed...
18 more days.. 18 more days...

Fucking hell.

I still have to come up with money for preschool for the next 18 days.

Fucking hell.
LinkGo On Time Out!

(no subject) [May. 28th, 2004|12:13 pm]

[My kid dictates my mood and right now it's... |stressedstressed]

This morning on the way to school my almost 6 yo told me that his reading partner at school told him that some hamburgers are made from buffalo meat. So he asked what others are made of and I told him cows. He asked how they got the cow meat and I ignored him. He wouldn't give up and made me tell him that they kill the cow for the meat but that's what the cow was raised for. I explained that food was this cow's purpose. He was not happy about that. He asked how they kill them and since I didn't know he was satisfied with "well, that's not nice". He's right. It's not nice and it's the reason I stopped eating red meat when I was 14. But now Shawny says he's a vegetarian. He's already stopped eating meat so I wasn't really shocked. But he doesn't eat any of the other stuff that I do eat to replace red meat. I was supplementing him w/ yogurt and smoothies but he wouldn't even drink the smoothie last night. I'm probably WAY overthinking the whole deal but how can I make him eat??? He won't eat at school. The only things he eats at home now are peanut butter and jelly, grilled cheese, oodles of noodles, rice, noodles, mac & cheese, yogurt, cereal, applesauce, hot dogs, some fruits when the mood strikes and assorted sugary snacks. I don't keep much sugary crap around the house now that I am eating better so there isn't too much for him to have. I just don't know what to do with him. I could just let him live on cereal until he gets sick of it!
I should add, I don't eat red meat. I only eat chicken and seafood. It was a decision I made as a teenager b/c I thought it was cruel to kill the pretty cows and pigs. I have always prepared meals for my kids that included all kinds of meats. When they would eat red meat, I would have a salad or a dish w/o the meat. I have NEVER told my kids that is the reason I don't eat it. I've always told them I am allergic and I will get sick if I eat it. Which isn't entirely a lie b/c if I were to eat red meat it would make me sick. So I'm really at a loss as to how Shawny can fathom reasons for not eating meat.
Link5 Kicking and Screaming|Go On Time Out!

(no subject) [May. 28th, 2004|01:56 am]

[My kid dictates my mood and right now it's... |energeticenergetic]

I'm a bad bad mama. I don't miss my kid at all. He's been gone for 6 lovely days now, and I couldn't care less. I talk to him every day, and he's cute and everything, but then I hang up and realize he's not hanging on my leg, or throwing a tantrum on the floor, and thank my lucky stars. Maybe they can stay away an extra week or twelve? I can only hope.
Link2 Kicking and Screaming|Go On Time Out!

(no subject) [May. 27th, 2004|10:08 am]

Hey there,

I need some help. My daughter turns 5 in about 9 days, and I am at a loss as what to do for her birthday party. There likely will not be more than 5 or 6 kids there, but quite a few friends of ours, who have been a big part of Haley's life. I don't have a whole LOT of money to spend, but I do have a little bit. I was thinking about just doing something here, because Chad just bought a 12 foot swimming pool, and over the last couple of months, we've purchased a new BBQ and patio set. The problem I have with that..... is we are also right in the middle of building the patio itself, so the ground so far is all gravel, with misc. patio stones on it. we MAY be able to get the patio finished in time, but if not, it's a hazard, and I don't want kids hurting themselves, running from the pool to the house.

Anyway, if anyone has any ideas, that would be GREAT. I'm even up for ideas for games, things that you've seen served at a party that were unique.... anything you can think of.

Thank you!!

(xposted all over the place)
LinkGo On Time Out!

(no subject) [May. 25th, 2004|08:16 pm]
I'm worried about my one year old, Hailey. See, she is really spoiled and usually throws temper tantrums when she can't have her way, even if its something stupid like I won't let her press buttons on my cell phone. Now before when this would happen, she would lash out at me and throw things and get generally pissy, which I expected. But lately, she has started hurting herself. Like just now, I stopped her from playing with the printer and she sat down and started tugging at her clothes and hitting her legs.
I used to cut myself when I was younger, and it all started because I would slap myself or hit my thighs when I was upset. Then it turned to razors and lighters. I know that shit like that can be genetic, but I don't think its possible to start this young?
Its just really scary to see her hurting herself when I tell her no. And when she does do it, I stop her and usually comfort her, but the next time it happens again.
Did any of your kids do this?
Link2 Kicking and Screaming|Go On Time Out!

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